i've learned

these are some things i've learned over the last eight years or so. i hope you can relate.

i've learned

i've learned

that you can respect someone without loving them,

and you can love someone without respecting them

i've learned

the meaning of the phrase, soul mate

i've learned

blood isn't necessarily thicker than water
i've learned

that just because someone goes to church,
it doesn't make them a christian

i've learned

that i don't have to go to church to be a good person

or to love God

i've learned

that you should never take someone for granted,

they could turn around and surprise you

i've learned

to trust that when one door is closed,
a more amazing door will be opened

i've learned

my gut knows more than my head

i've learned

age doesn't matter,
it's one's maturaty that counts

i've learned

how to forgive, but not forget

i've learned

everyone is worth forgiving,
over and over again
i’ve learned
my parents don’t know everything,
but they sometimes know more than me
i’ve learned
love is totally different than lust
i’ve learned
divorce doesn’t always mean you’ve fallen out of love
i've learned

you can fall in love without knowing someone long

but it takes a long time to forget that love

i've learned

it's not that important to receive flowers

it's more important that the dishes are clean

and the bills are paid

i've learned

you're not an adult just because you turned 18

job hunting

I'm looking for a job these days. That's been a lot of fun... well, not really. This whole job search thing makes me feel so helpless. I'm at the mercy of HR managers and recruiters. It sucks not being in control of what I'm doing. The waiting games totally sucks, and whenever I call to follow up with the companies I've applied to (or my staffing company) they act like its a huge inconvenience that I'm calling. On the other hand, if I didn't call, they'd think I wasn't that interested. Double edged sword, I guess.

My severence pay is running out and I still don't know whether I'm going to be approved for unemployment through the state. It's getting a little stressful for me. I know it will all work out somehow, and I'm better off not working where I was - that job was incredibly rediculous.

Anyway, if you know anyone looking for a good Administrative Assistant, or someone who's an expert at window coverings, flooring, paint, or gardening, let me know.

Someone asked me recently what my dream job would be... I think my dream job would be in a place filled with creativity, where I can express my creativity as well as be influenced by other creative people; where I can be an organizational freak, enjoy the people I work with, and feel like I'm making a difference. Is that too much to ask?

shopping malls

I spent a good deal of time recently at the closest mall to me. I have to say, I don't see why anyone would want to. Everything is over-priced, there are a ton of teenagers who just block the aisles and have no consideration for people who are actually shopping.

I can't remember really ever liking to shop for clothes, but as I'm the heaviest now that I've ever been in my life, I have to say my dislike is slowly turning into despise. Finding clothes that should fit (and the tag always reads a size I'd never thought I'd have to try on) and then changing in a dirty, sometimes creepy dressing room is not my idea of a good time. I certainly do not want to see myself naked (or mostly naked anyway) but I'm also always afraid the attendant is going to forget they put me in that room and open it up while I'm topless or in my underpants for the whole world to see my humiliation.

I wish our society was less concerned about image and judging what others look like and focus on things that really matter. Really, it seems to be human nature to pass judgement and worry about things like class, style, and the general attractiveness of others compared to themselves.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I seem to find myself feeling like I should be ashamed of wearing a generic t-shirt instead of a designer one when I'm around the general public. It's rediculous! I hate that I find myself conforming my thoughts to how I see others react to someone who is extremely over weight, or who has tattered clothes. I find myself thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves. But that's not who I am. I am a caring, compassionate person. It makes me dislike myself when I have those thoughts... doesn't anyone else feel that way about themselves when they pass judgement that way?

Baby Debate

My fiance and I have been together (not just seeing eachother, but living together) for over 7 years. Most of our relationship I've been inclined as not to have children, and he - well, he seems to have been on the same page. Naturally, as I'm officially in my mid-twenties, creeping closer to late-twenties, my body seems to tell me that it's time for children. Fortunately, again, he seems to be on the same page.

We discussed this issue in great detail the other night and I acknowledge that I am increasingly finding it harder to defy biology. I always wondered if men have biological clocks too, and I'm starting to believe they do. We've decided that we want to have kids! What a huge decision that is - but at the same time, I feel good that I have come to like the idea. I've been scarred for much too long and am relieved that the walls are coming down.

Now, if you know us, or are an observant reader, you know that we are not yet married. I feel very mixed about this whole marriage before children question. Although we are truly committed and feel we are married, we don't have that piece of paper. My body says it doesn't matter, my religious upbringing - not to mention our culture - have told me otherwise. I must say, it's hard to tell your body what urges it should or should not have. When a woman's body says its time to have babies, its almost like demon posession... and those of you women who have been at this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not about wanting sex, it's about making babies!

I know it's natural. I know that its not demon posession. I'm actually really excited about the prospect for the first time in a very long time.

Too cold for even Polar Bears

You know, there's nothing like a cozy snow day at home. I love cuddling up on the couch with a good book and my fiance, drinking tea or hot chocolate in comfy pj's. But honestly, I'm seriously tired of snowy, cloudy, short, and below freezing days!!!

I know those who haven't lived here just think that we get snow and cold all the time and that we should be used to it - well, THEY'RE WRONG! We're NOT used to it because yes, we usually have several days of snowfall here, but it only stays around on the ground for a couple of days at most. We're going on something like seven weeks of snow every weekend, and the temperature below 40 degrees! If I wanted to live in this crap, I'd live in Chicago for Pete's sake!!!

If we end up with any more snow, I'm packing my car and moving to California.

The Big 5-0

So, my dad just turned 50. My step mom decided to throw him a surprise birthday party for him this last Sunday. To assist in getting him out of the house for her I took him out for brunch at Popeye's Chicken. We had a wonderful time talking as we always do. My dad is usually more lively than he was that morning so I asked him how he felt about turning fifty. He said he's honestly not happy about it. Now, most people seem to freak out on "big" birthdays like 30, 40, and 50, but I hadn't known my dad to be that type of person. He began to explain why.
As long as I can remember, he's had all kinds of in depth thoughts or philosophies about this or that. And, though I don't view myself as shallow or a small thinker, I'm always impressed by how deep he delves into a subject. It could be something as simple as why you should or should not use x brand deodorant to as complex as any number of subjects involving religion.

He began to tell me of when he was a teenager in the 70's and there was an author who was well regarded in the Christian community and considered the authority on the book of Revelations. The author, whose name I've already forgotten, in essence, claimed that the world was going to end sometime between 1981 and 1988. This next part surprised me a little. Having had several conversations with my dad considering theology, I've learned that he doesn't take matters - especially of the spiritual nature - at face value. He's always seemed to me to have done his research quite thoroughly, so I can only assume that this author had magnificant biblical evidence to support his theories. When Dad told me that he hadn't planned to live past the age of 34, I gave a little nervous chuckle because I had no idea what he meant. He went on to explain that he truly believed that - being a Christian - he wouldn't be on the planet past 1988 so he'd based his life on that assumption. He hasn't put away money for retirement, he didn't take the time to invest money into stocks or real estate. I could see the pain and disappointment in my dad's eyes. He was so sad. It was as if he didn't believe in himself or his ideas anymore. I hated to see him that way. He advised me not to make the same mistakes he's made in his life.
I think he feels like he hasn't done anything with his life, but he's wrong. He's made such a huge impact on everyone he knows. Even my mother, though I doubt she would admit that she gained anything good from him besides me and my brother. She'd be wrong.

Just because someone doesn't have a lot of money, or a financially thriving business, a big house, fancy car, or high tech electronics, doesn't mean they haven't done anything with their life. I know my dad knows this. Maybe his worst fear is that he'll never be able to retire.

The Beatles

The Beatles were truely a great band. Their versitily in their music is magnificent. Take The White Album for instance. You have rocking songs like Birthday, then you have such sweet love songs as Julia, then a lullaby at the end. Not to mention the crazy songs like Revolution (not even sure if that one can be classified as a song) and Wild Honey Pie. Their sound is so unique because they could do whatever they tried - and do it well. I also want to mention that Rocky Racoon kicks ass!

Too many bands sound the same from song to song - its tiring and sometimes numbing. Its good to have your own style, but if you can't tell whether the track has changed, how is that creative? I find it impossible to listen to the constant droning for an hour. We need more bands who step outside their comfort zone. Whether is sounds good or not the first time you hear it - at least they're expanding their horizons, and maybe yours...