My Gallery

I finally did it! I made the plunge, and it was exciting and scary all at once. I've begun to create a web gallery. It's still under construction, but well under way! Keep an eye out for its completion. The site will not only be for viewing my artwork, but also for purchasing original pieces.

I'd like to talk about grief and mourning...

Grief is a funny thing. One minute a person can be crying, the next angry as hell at anyone around them, even those they love dearly. That has been my emotional state this last week and a half, since the passing of my grandmother. It is very difficult to keep into perspective the importance or unimportance of certain details. I find it also difficult to be less angry with those who I feel have been inappropriate during this time. I try to remind myself daily that just because someone doesn't show it, doesn't mean they don't feel pain at the loss of a loved one. Grief seems to make even the most caring and unselfish of people focus almost solely on themselves.

Despite the negatives that I've experienced through all this, there are some positive things that have come out of it. I've learned where I stand with my family who I've been apart from most of my life, simply because we live on opposite sides of the country. Our family was able to come together to comfort and lift one another up. For once in my life, I no longer feel like an outsider in my own family.

Unfortunately, I also have a new outlook on where I stand in my father's eyes. It saddens me that I can feel so close to my family thousands of miles away, yet suddenly feel the distance grow between myself and a father who lives 50 miles away. Ten years of building a relationship with him has been beat up by this experience, and I fear it will take too long to heal these wounds. I will continue to pray for patience, peace and understanding, as it will be necessary to get me through.

Counting My Blessings

The last two weeks have been a whirl wind of emotions for me. I haven't seen my family in Tennessee for several years, and was fortunate enough to be able to take a trip down to see them. I picked up my grandfather in New Jersey and he and I drove for 10 hours to get to Tennessee. It was one of the most enriching experiences. We talked for nearly the whole time. Getting to know my grandfather is something I've always wished for, and now that I'm an adult, I truly appreciate the time we've spent together. Not only did we get the 10 hours down, but the 10 hours back to New Jersey.

I was also fortunate enough to spend several hours with my grandmother, just listening to her tell me stories of her life, and her side of the family. I got to see pictures of her when she was young, hear of her days in Texas, how she met my grandfather, and some college stories. And don't tell my grandfather, but she also told me about racing cars in the 50's. *giggles*

In addition to these blessings, I spent my days in Tennessee with my two youngest cousins. One I've only met twice, who is and always was a very mature and wonderful young man. And the other I met for the first time - talk about personality!! I never knew a 4 year old could be that outlandish and creative! They're both very dear to me and I miss them more each day.

My aunt and uncles are the same as they were the last time I saw them. Some things will never change. I just have to say, my aunt is the sweetest and most caring person I know.

My brother drove up from North Carolina with his family. I didn't expect they'd be able to come since my newest nephew was less than 2 weeks old at the time. Seeing them made my heart soar and was quite possibly the best gift I've ever received.

I take that back, my whole trip was the best gift I have ever received. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have been granted this time with my family and hope that I will be fortunate enough to return soon under the best of circumstances.

Mr. Jake Ob

Mr. Jake Ob was the sweetest, most gentle, and loving dog I've ever met. He could never harm a fly, although he tried, he was usually too slow. A beast of a dog, when people met him they usually said, "He's not a dog, he's a horse!" The funny thing is, he never let anyone ride him! Shawn would joke that he was going to charge the neighborhood kids for rides on Jake's back... boy would they have been disappointed.

Jake had been steadily declining over the last several weeks. Finally unable to stand, we decided it was time to take him for one last car ride. He left us too young, he would have been 8 years old in December. My house is not the same without him. His bed is still in the living room where he camped out every day, but he's not there. There will be one less body snoring in our bedroom tonight. I'll miss him tilting his head and looking curiously at the television when the theme for 3rd Rock From the Sun comes on. I'll miss his happy face greeting me at the door when I come home from a long day at work.

Jakie, I know you're better where you are. I'll be dreaming of you playing ball, chewing on sticks that are too big for you, and hearing your tail whap the floor as you wag it. Mommy loves you buddy. You're sorely missed.

In loving memory of Jake Ob Abbott
December 30, 2000 - November 15, 2008

beaten, battered, and worn

The dark, short days of fall and winter are here, and along with them come a certain expectation that I will be feeling a little blue. However, I seem to be hitting a point in time where most everything is going poorly. It seems the saying, "when it rains, it pours" certainly applies at the moment. Ha ha, I almost feel as if my life is a country song! Maybe I should play it in reverse... then I'll get my dog back, my car back, my woman back! (oh my!)

Seriously though, I'm feeling like the title of this post, "beaten, battered, and worn." How long must this go on? After brief reflection, I believe that part of how I'm feeling is my own doing. Maybe its time for a reality check, a come to Jesus with myself.

Coming Home

Being here is like
coming home

The old memories
of days long past

Making new memories
with every moment

Falling in love
with innocent hearts

Hoping to reach
a few who are hurt

Finding a renewed flame
somewhere in mine

Realizing its almost over
when it feels like its just begun

Wanting to stay close
with new friends

But knowing that the hill
makes a world of difference

Making a Difference

Recently I was fortunate enough to be able to go back to the summer camp I went to every year as a kid, only this time, I was a camp counselor. I found the experience to be sereal, because it has been soooooo many years since I've been up there, and because this time, I wasn't a camper. However different it may have been for me, it was still a very rewarding experience, in fact, maybe moreso than when I was a kid. I have to say, I fell in love with all those kids - even the ones who were "difficult." Other counselers found it overwhelming to interact with some of them, well, mainly two or three of the boys, and I feel like they simply gave up on them. It broke my heart to see that the innocence of these children had been taken away from them, and now we were given an opportunity to help them to just be kids! even in the face of that, some of the adults were unable to set aside their personal feelings, and just show these boys some genuine affection. Kids don't act out because they just feel like being brats! They act out because they're searching for attention, right?

Well, I guess all that matters is I felt like I made a difference for at least a couple of these kids. Hopefully it will stay with them and help them to realize that there's more in life than just what you have to deal with at home. Hopefully they will be able to keep their spirits up in times of struggle. You never know, maybe their renewed attitude will help things between them and the "parental units."