I'd like to talk about grief and mourning...

Grief is a funny thing. One minute a person can be crying, the next angry as hell at anyone around them, even those they love dearly. That has been my emotional state this last week and a half, since the passing of my grandmother. It is very difficult to keep into perspective the importance or unimportance of certain details. I find it also difficult to be less angry with those who I feel have been inappropriate during this time. I try to remind myself daily that just because someone doesn't show it, doesn't mean they don't feel pain at the loss of a loved one. Grief seems to make even the most caring and unselfish of people focus almost solely on themselves.

Despite the negatives that I've experienced through all this, there are some positive things that have come out of it. I've learned where I stand with my family who I've been apart from most of my life, simply because we live on opposite sides of the country. Our family was able to come together to comfort and lift one another up. For once in my life, I no longer feel like an outsider in my own family.

Unfortunately, I also have a new outlook on where I stand in my father's eyes. It saddens me that I can feel so close to my family thousands of miles away, yet suddenly feel the distance grow between myself and a father who lives 50 miles away. Ten years of building a relationship with him has been beat up by this experience, and I fear it will take too long to heal these wounds. I will continue to pray for patience, peace and understanding, as it will be necessary to get me through.

Counting My Blessings

The last two weeks have been a whirl wind of emotions for me. I haven't seen my family in Tennessee for several years, and was fortunate enough to be able to take a trip down to see them. I picked up my grandfather in New Jersey and he and I drove for 10 hours to get to Tennessee. It was one of the most enriching experiences. We talked for nearly the whole time. Getting to know my grandfather is something I've always wished for, and now that I'm an adult, I truly appreciate the time we've spent together. Not only did we get the 10 hours down, but the 10 hours back to New Jersey.

I was also fortunate enough to spend several hours with my grandmother, just listening to her tell me stories of her life, and her side of the family. I got to see pictures of her when she was young, hear of her days in Texas, how she met my grandfather, and some college stories. And don't tell my grandfather, but she also told me about racing cars in the 50's. *giggles*

In addition to these blessings, I spent my days in Tennessee with my two youngest cousins. One I've only met twice, who is and always was a very mature and wonderful young man. And the other I met for the first time - talk about personality!! I never knew a 4 year old could be that outlandish and creative! They're both very dear to me and I miss them more each day.

My aunt and uncles are the same as they were the last time I saw them. Some things will never change. I just have to say, my aunt is the sweetest and most caring person I know.

My brother drove up from North Carolina with his family. I didn't expect they'd be able to come since my newest nephew was less than 2 weeks old at the time. Seeing them made my heart soar and was quite possibly the best gift I've ever received.

I take that back, my whole trip was the best gift I have ever received. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have been granted this time with my family and hope that I will be fortunate enough to return soon under the best of circumstances.