College

Its been over eight years since I graduated from high school. Since then, I've worked - a lot - and had sworn to myself that I was only going to take a year or two off from school. Well, a year or two turned into eight. But now, I've decided to finally take that leap. I started college this fall. I haven't felt this excited and scared since the day before my first day of high school (except maybe when I moved to Cali for a short time a couple years ago).

I'm loving being in school. I signed up for two classes, Psychology and Drawing. Being an artist, naturally I thought that I would enjoy Drawing more than Psychology - I was affraid I wasn't ready for a class like Psych. Ironically, I've found that I enjoy Psych more than Drawing! My Drawing instructer has done nothing but rub me the wrong way since the first day. She'll draw right on your project to show you how she thinks it should look instead of using a separate sheet of paper, and she's wishy washy - constantly changing her mind. In the world of art you come to expect eccentricity, but she's down right obnoxious. I come home from her class feeling drained instead of excited about my projects. The atmosphere is very repressive. She won't even allow us to really talk to each other. The best class period we had was with the substitute. We were all talking, laughing, joking around with eachother! I came home from class actually smiling and telling my fiance how wonderful class was!

When I began school, I thought I knew what I wanted to be when I "grew up". Now, I'm considering going in a completely different direction! It's amazing how quickly even a firmly placed decision can be changed, just by one or two small experiences.

autumn

autumn wind
bringing winter's inevitable fury
arboral wrath
enraged dancing
red, orange, yellow, brown
complaining of the approaching
funnels of dead twirl
changes on the horizon
delight
fear
pumpkins crafted
glowing eyes and smirks
stories of spirits lingering
sweets, pie, turkey
closely stalking

serenity

GOD, grant me the SERENITY
To ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change
The COURAGE to change the things that I CAN
And the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!

I don't know how many things I've needlessly stressed about in my life. Most of which, I could not change, and had one hell of a time accepting that. I'm constantly reminded how important it is to be able to realize what is within your power and what is not. It usually doesn't occur to me right away, but I get there sooner or later. The only thing I can absolutely change is my behavior, my thinking, my philosophies, and over all, my attitude. Everything else isn't really up to me. I can express my opinions to others, listen to other's opinions, but who am I to think that I can change anyone else?

I've been very selfish lately. I've been complaining about something that really isn't about me. Yes, it affects me, but can I change it? Nope. I guess I'll just have to be the bigger person and lead by example, change my behavior. The rest is up to them.

Gardening

I was IM-ing with my grandpa tonight. We don't talk much, but when we do it's usually about gardening. He used to have a huge garden at his home in New Jersey. I remember going to visit one summer when I was really young. My brother and I would go out to the garden and eat raspberries of each kind right off the bush. We would pick raspberries, blueberries, and grapes and bring them in to our grandma asking her to make something with them. I don't remember that she actually did, but it didn't matter to us. We just had so much fun playing in the garden.

I think having both my grandfathers with gardens kind of inspired me to plant my own. I've always loved plants, and now that we own a house, and have for several years, it was time to try my hand at gardening. So far my fiance and I have done a wonderful job. Our pumkins are raging, so are the zucchini. We have corn, peppers, (red and green bell as well as hot peppers of all sorts) carrots, onions, and cucumbers. Everything we have is growing so much better than I could have dreamed. (We'd tried a small garden our first summer together but we were very young and not as dedicated as we needed to be to make it work.)

It's such an amazing feeling to know that we've planted something from seed, nurtured, and loved it and it's actually growing. If anyone ever needs to find a sense of accomplishment, grow something (and I don't mean grow mold on leftovers in your refrigerator). There's such satisfaction, sense of accomplishment, and healing for the soul to be found.

Online Charter School in Colorado

I've had the pleasure of recently being employed with an online charter school called Colorado Distance and Electronic Learning Academy (CDELA). The teachers are wonderful people, and the whole premise of the school is such a fantastic way for parents who want an alternative to a brick and mortar public school. Students login to the website for a set number of hours from home. There are regular live web classes each week. Books, computer, fax/printer/scanner, and internet connection reimbursement are all provided - at no cost to the parents. And the best part is there is no tuition! Students must be Colorado residents to apply. I wish there were schools like this when I was a kid!

The school needs help though. They've only been open for one school year and as any beginning business/program it takes time to build. If you know anyone who would be interested in this type of learning opportunity, please send them this link. There are meet and greets going on all over the state of Colorado where parents and kids can meet the teachers and other parents who's children are enrolled with CDELA. It's a great opportunity to ask questions up close and personal. For information on the school or the meet and greet schedule go to www.cdela.com or call 866.442.3352.

I don't want this post to sound like an advertisement for the school, but I can't help but promote something I believe in, so there you have it.

i've learned

these are some things i've learned over the last eight years or so. i hope you can relate.

i've learned

i've learned

that you can respect someone without loving them,

and you can love someone without respecting them

i've learned

the meaning of the phrase, soul mate

i've learned

blood isn't necessarily thicker than water
i've learned

that just because someone goes to church,
it doesn't make them a christian

i've learned

that i don't have to go to church to be a good person

or to love God

i've learned

that you should never take someone for granted,

they could turn around and surprise you

i've learned

to trust that when one door is closed,
a more amazing door will be opened

i've learned

my gut knows more than my head

i've learned

age doesn't matter,
it's one's maturaty that counts

i've learned

how to forgive, but not forget

i've learned

everyone is worth forgiving,
over and over again
i’ve learned
my parents don’t know everything,
but they sometimes know more than me
i’ve learned
love is totally different than lust
i’ve learned
divorce doesn’t always mean you’ve fallen out of love
i've learned

you can fall in love without knowing someone long

but it takes a long time to forget that love

i've learned

it's not that important to receive flowers

it's more important that the dishes are clean

and the bills are paid

i've learned

you're not an adult just because you turned 18

job hunting

I'm looking for a job these days. That's been a lot of fun... well, not really. This whole job search thing makes me feel so helpless. I'm at the mercy of HR managers and recruiters. It sucks not being in control of what I'm doing. The waiting games totally sucks, and whenever I call to follow up with the companies I've applied to (or my staffing company) they act like its a huge inconvenience that I'm calling. On the other hand, if I didn't call, they'd think I wasn't that interested. Double edged sword, I guess.

My severence pay is running out and I still don't know whether I'm going to be approved for unemployment through the state. It's getting a little stressful for me. I know it will all work out somehow, and I'm better off not working where I was - that job was incredibly rediculous.

Anyway, if you know anyone looking for a good Administrative Assistant, or someone who's an expert at window coverings, flooring, paint, or gardening, let me know.

Someone asked me recently what my dream job would be... I think my dream job would be in a place filled with creativity, where I can express my creativity as well as be influenced by other creative people; where I can be an organizational freak, enjoy the people I work with, and feel like I'm making a difference. Is that too much to ask?

shopping malls

I spent a good deal of time recently at the closest mall to me. I have to say, I don't see why anyone would want to. Everything is over-priced, there are a ton of teenagers who just block the aisles and have no consideration for people who are actually shopping.

I can't remember really ever liking to shop for clothes, but as I'm the heaviest now that I've ever been in my life, I have to say my dislike is slowly turning into despise. Finding clothes that should fit (and the tag always reads a size I'd never thought I'd have to try on) and then changing in a dirty, sometimes creepy dressing room is not my idea of a good time. I certainly do not want to see myself naked (or mostly naked anyway) but I'm also always afraid the attendant is going to forget they put me in that room and open it up while I'm topless or in my underpants for the whole world to see my humiliation.

I wish our society was less concerned about image and judging what others look like and focus on things that really matter. Really, it seems to be human nature to pass judgement and worry about things like class, style, and the general attractiveness of others compared to themselves.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I seem to find myself feeling like I should be ashamed of wearing a generic t-shirt instead of a designer one when I'm around the general public. It's rediculous! I hate that I find myself conforming my thoughts to how I see others react to someone who is extremely over weight, or who has tattered clothes. I find myself thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves. But that's not who I am. I am a caring, compassionate person. It makes me dislike myself when I have those thoughts... doesn't anyone else feel that way about themselves when they pass judgement that way?

Baby Debate

My fiance and I have been together (not just seeing eachother, but living together) for over 7 years. Most of our relationship I've been inclined as not to have children, and he - well, he seems to have been on the same page. Naturally, as I'm officially in my mid-twenties, creeping closer to late-twenties, my body seems to tell me that it's time for children. Fortunately, again, he seems to be on the same page.

We discussed this issue in great detail the other night and I acknowledge that I am increasingly finding it harder to defy biology. I always wondered if men have biological clocks too, and I'm starting to believe they do. We've decided that we want to have kids! What a huge decision that is - but at the same time, I feel good that I have come to like the idea. I've been scarred for much too long and am relieved that the walls are coming down.

Now, if you know us, or are an observant reader, you know that we are not yet married. I feel very mixed about this whole marriage before children question. Although we are truly committed and feel we are married, we don't have that piece of paper. My body says it doesn't matter, my religious upbringing - not to mention our culture - have told me otherwise. I must say, it's hard to tell your body what urges it should or should not have. When a woman's body says its time to have babies, its almost like demon posession... and those of you women who have been at this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not about wanting sex, it's about making babies!

I know it's natural. I know that its not demon posession. I'm actually really excited about the prospect for the first time in a very long time.

Too cold for even Polar Bears

You know, there's nothing like a cozy snow day at home. I love cuddling up on the couch with a good book and my fiance, drinking tea or hot chocolate in comfy pj's. But honestly, I'm seriously tired of snowy, cloudy, short, and below freezing days!!!

I know those who haven't lived here just think that we get snow and cold all the time and that we should be used to it - well, THEY'RE WRONG! We're NOT used to it because yes, we usually have several days of snowfall here, but it only stays around on the ground for a couple of days at most. We're going on something like seven weeks of snow every weekend, and the temperature below 40 degrees! If I wanted to live in this crap, I'd live in Chicago for Pete's sake!!!

If we end up with any more snow, I'm packing my car and moving to California.