shopping malls

I spent a good deal of time recently at the closest mall to me. I have to say, I don't see why anyone would want to. Everything is over-priced, there are a ton of teenagers who just block the aisles and have no consideration for people who are actually shopping.

I can't remember really ever liking to shop for clothes, but as I'm the heaviest now that I've ever been in my life, I have to say my dislike is slowly turning into despise. Finding clothes that should fit (and the tag always reads a size I'd never thought I'd have to try on) and then changing in a dirty, sometimes creepy dressing room is not my idea of a good time. I certainly do not want to see myself naked (or mostly naked anyway) but I'm also always afraid the attendant is going to forget they put me in that room and open it up while I'm topless or in my underpants for the whole world to see my humiliation.

I wish our society was less concerned about image and judging what others look like and focus on things that really matter. Really, it seems to be human nature to pass judgement and worry about things like class, style, and the general attractiveness of others compared to themselves.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I seem to find myself feeling like I should be ashamed of wearing a generic t-shirt instead of a designer one when I'm around the general public. It's rediculous! I hate that I find myself conforming my thoughts to how I see others react to someone who is extremely over weight, or who has tattered clothes. I find myself thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves. But that's not who I am. I am a caring, compassionate person. It makes me dislike myself when I have those thoughts... doesn't anyone else feel that way about themselves when they pass judgement that way?

Baby Debate

My fiance and I have been together (not just seeing eachother, but living together) for over 7 years. Most of our relationship I've been inclined as not to have children, and he - well, he seems to have been on the same page. Naturally, as I'm officially in my mid-twenties, creeping closer to late-twenties, my body seems to tell me that it's time for children. Fortunately, again, he seems to be on the same page.

We discussed this issue in great detail the other night and I acknowledge that I am increasingly finding it harder to defy biology. I always wondered if men have biological clocks too, and I'm starting to believe they do. We've decided that we want to have kids! What a huge decision that is - but at the same time, I feel good that I have come to like the idea. I've been scarred for much too long and am relieved that the walls are coming down.

Now, if you know us, or are an observant reader, you know that we are not yet married. I feel very mixed about this whole marriage before children question. Although we are truly committed and feel we are married, we don't have that piece of paper. My body says it doesn't matter, my religious upbringing - not to mention our culture - have told me otherwise. I must say, it's hard to tell your body what urges it should or should not have. When a woman's body says its time to have babies, its almost like demon posession... and those of you women who have been at this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not about wanting sex, it's about making babies!

I know it's natural. I know that its not demon posession. I'm actually really excited about the prospect for the first time in a very long time.