shopping malls

I spent a good deal of time recently at the closest mall to me. I have to say, I don't see why anyone would want to. Everything is over-priced, there are a ton of teenagers who just block the aisles and have no consideration for people who are actually shopping.

I can't remember really ever liking to shop for clothes, but as I'm the heaviest now that I've ever been in my life, I have to say my dislike is slowly turning into despise. Finding clothes that should fit (and the tag always reads a size I'd never thought I'd have to try on) and then changing in a dirty, sometimes creepy dressing room is not my idea of a good time. I certainly do not want to see myself naked (or mostly naked anyway) but I'm also always afraid the attendant is going to forget they put me in that room and open it up while I'm topless or in my underpants for the whole world to see my humiliation.

I wish our society was less concerned about image and judging what others look like and focus on things that really matter. Really, it seems to be human nature to pass judgement and worry about things like class, style, and the general attractiveness of others compared to themselves.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I seem to find myself feeling like I should be ashamed of wearing a generic t-shirt instead of a designer one when I'm around the general public. It's rediculous! I hate that I find myself conforming my thoughts to how I see others react to someone who is extremely over weight, or who has tattered clothes. I find myself thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves. But that's not who I am. I am a caring, compassionate person. It makes me dislike myself when I have those thoughts... doesn't anyone else feel that way about themselves when they pass judgement that way?

Baby Debate

My fiance and I have been together (not just seeing eachother, but living together) for over 7 years. Most of our relationship I've been inclined as not to have children, and he - well, he seems to have been on the same page. Naturally, as I'm officially in my mid-twenties, creeping closer to late-twenties, my body seems to tell me that it's time for children. Fortunately, again, he seems to be on the same page.

We discussed this issue in great detail the other night and I acknowledge that I am increasingly finding it harder to defy biology. I always wondered if men have biological clocks too, and I'm starting to believe they do. We've decided that we want to have kids! What a huge decision that is - but at the same time, I feel good that I have come to like the idea. I've been scarred for much too long and am relieved that the walls are coming down.

Now, if you know us, or are an observant reader, you know that we are not yet married. I feel very mixed about this whole marriage before children question. Although we are truly committed and feel we are married, we don't have that piece of paper. My body says it doesn't matter, my religious upbringing - not to mention our culture - have told me otherwise. I must say, it's hard to tell your body what urges it should or should not have. When a woman's body says its time to have babies, its almost like demon posession... and those of you women who have been at this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not about wanting sex, it's about making babies!

I know it's natural. I know that its not demon posession. I'm actually really excited about the prospect for the first time in a very long time.

Too cold for even Polar Bears

You know, there's nothing like a cozy snow day at home. I love cuddling up on the couch with a good book and my fiance, drinking tea or hot chocolate in comfy pj's. But honestly, I'm seriously tired of snowy, cloudy, short, and below freezing days!!!

I know those who haven't lived here just think that we get snow and cold all the time and that we should be used to it - well, THEY'RE WRONG! We're NOT used to it because yes, we usually have several days of snowfall here, but it only stays around on the ground for a couple of days at most. We're going on something like seven weeks of snow every weekend, and the temperature below 40 degrees! If I wanted to live in this crap, I'd live in Chicago for Pete's sake!!!

If we end up with any more snow, I'm packing my car and moving to California.

The Big 5-0

So, my dad just turned 50. My step mom decided to throw him a surprise birthday party for him this last Sunday. To assist in getting him out of the house for her I took him out for brunch at Popeye's Chicken. We had a wonderful time talking as we always do. My dad is usually more lively than he was that morning so I asked him how he felt about turning fifty. He said he's honestly not happy about it. Now, most people seem to freak out on "big" birthdays like 30, 40, and 50, but I hadn't known my dad to be that type of person. He began to explain why.
As long as I can remember, he's had all kinds of in depth thoughts or philosophies about this or that. And, though I don't view myself as shallow or a small thinker, I'm always impressed by how deep he delves into a subject. It could be something as simple as why you should or should not use x brand deodorant to as complex as any number of subjects involving religion.

He began to tell me of when he was a teenager in the 70's and there was an author who was well regarded in the Christian community and considered the authority on the book of Revelations. The author, whose name I've already forgotten, in essence, claimed that the world was going to end sometime between 1981 and 1988. This next part surprised me a little. Having had several conversations with my dad considering theology, I've learned that he doesn't take matters - especially of the spiritual nature - at face value. He's always seemed to me to have done his research quite thoroughly, so I can only assume that this author had magnificant biblical evidence to support his theories. When Dad told me that he hadn't planned to live past the age of 34, I gave a little nervous chuckle because I had no idea what he meant. He went on to explain that he truly believed that - being a Christian - he wouldn't be on the planet past 1988 so he'd based his life on that assumption. He hasn't put away money for retirement, he didn't take the time to invest money into stocks or real estate. I could see the pain and disappointment in my dad's eyes. He was so sad. It was as if he didn't believe in himself or his ideas anymore. I hated to see him that way. He advised me not to make the same mistakes he's made in his life.
I think he feels like he hasn't done anything with his life, but he's wrong. He's made such a huge impact on everyone he knows. Even my mother, though I doubt she would admit that she gained anything good from him besides me and my brother. She'd be wrong.

Just because someone doesn't have a lot of money, or a financially thriving business, a big house, fancy car, or high tech electronics, doesn't mean they haven't done anything with their life. I know my dad knows this. Maybe his worst fear is that he'll never be able to retire.

The Beatles

The Beatles were truely a great band. Their versitily in their music is magnificent. Take The White Album for instance. You have rocking songs like Birthday, then you have such sweet love songs as Julia, then a lullaby at the end. Not to mention the crazy songs like Revolution (not even sure if that one can be classified as a song) and Wild Honey Pie. Their sound is so unique because they could do whatever they tried - and do it well. I also want to mention that Rocky Racoon kicks ass!

Too many bands sound the same from song to song - its tiring and sometimes numbing. Its good to have your own style, but if you can't tell whether the track has changed, how is that creative? I find it impossible to listen to the constant droning for an hour. We need more bands who step outside their comfort zone. Whether is sounds good or not the first time you hear it - at least they're expanding their horizons, and maybe yours...

Office Politics

So, I've only spent a short time of my working life in an office environment. Most of it has been recently and I just don't get office politics. I can't seem to grasp the concepts that are being thrown at me. There are people that I've worked with in this environment who do nothing but plot and scheme to accomplish whatever goal they seek to acheive. Be it to move up in the company, to get revenge because someone pissed them off, or whatever. I don't get it!!! Why should anyone have a master plan that involves spiting or hurting someone else in any way just to make their own situation better?

I thought that we were paid to do our jobs, do them well, be dedicated employees, and overall - contribute to the company as a whole. Does this thinking make me naive? Do I have to start thinking that I have to step on people, take their ideas as my own, and talk about them behind their back - not even to get ahead, just to do my job every day?

What happened to employee/employer mutual loyalty in the corporate world? What happened to being recognized for doing your job, doing it well, and efficiently? What happened to honesty as being part of personal work ethic?

I'll tell you what happened... people are greedy and selfish. All they think about is the bottom line. How does it look today? How much more money can I put in my pocket by raping my employees of their compensation and benefits? Business men today don't understand that if you take care of your people, they'll take care of you. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

I had an HR manager once who didn't understand this concept. They thought that each and every employee was expendable. No one mattered to the company - they were just bodies. When one leaves, let's bring in the next. There was no extra thought given to wanting to keep someone who'd worked for the company for 20 years and is now leaving. It doesn't matter if they know everything about everything in their field. They can be replaced. With that thinking, why don't we just employ a computer to do everyone's job? Just program the computer to know everything and we're golden, right? People don't matter. I have a warning for that HR manager - if everyone else is replaceable, so are you!

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of feeling like I have to prove myself to someone who doesn't and never will care about how greatly I contribute to my job.

Katie Bug

My little kitty Katie Bug
I want to give you a hug
But then you'll scream and shout
Which makes me want to pout
Oh, my pretty kitty Katie Bug