A Glimpse Into My Mind

My Experience with Racism

2010-07-05T03:07:00.003-06:00

I just spent some time at the bar, celebrating our Independence Day with a friend of mine. We were out on the patio when we were joined by three Native American people. They were friendly, funny, and easy to get along with, though, its not difficult for me or my friend to get along with anyone, really. We're both very amiable people and like to meet new people and learn, always interested in learning. Though I've met Native American people before, I've not really ever had an opportunity to discuss things like cultural differences in the past. I am always up for hearing of others' life experiences, and learn about where they come from. It was interesting to hear about this woman's life, and how she felt about "the white man," though, I have to say, that what I felt after the experience, left me feeling like I was being discriminated against, simply because of the color of my skin.

This isn't a new concept for me, as I grew up in a Hispanic town, where I was the minority, and was discriminated against for being the white kid in class when I was young. I can relate to how people of minority groups feel, I've been there, experienced it first hand. What bothers me most, is that the things I was taught in school were things like, compassion, and to be sensitive to other races, blur the lines of skin color, accept people for who they are and not what they look like. All fantastic concepts however, are white kids the only ones being taught this way? I've found that because it was pounded into me to be sensitive to racial issue, that I was always afraid when encountering other ethnicities, that I was so afraid that just because I was white, that I'd say something to offend them. That being said, other ethnicities seem to be able to say whatever they want about white people, and its ok!

This whole idea is mind boggling to me. I was literally called "dumb" tonight, just because I'm white! Just because I didn't grow up on a reservation, I'm automatically racist, and don't know jack, or can't empathize with people who did. I was raised in a poor family. I know what its like to have to scrimp and save for every little thing! When I was a teenager, and had a job, my brother and I put our own money in to pay for milk for the family, because that's what was necessary. But, to people of other skin colors, I'm just a dummy who knows nothing about struggle, because my skin is white. Isn't that just as racist as me saying the same of them?

My friend apologized to them tonight, because of what our ancestors did to their people, which is admirable however, HE didn't do those things! HE didn't force them onto reservations. And neither did I. I asked him, what are you apologizing for? I mean, really? It was like he was taking on our ancestors' deeds as his own. I agree, the actions in the past may have been wrong, and unwarranted. The native people should not have been treated the way they were! But why should I apologize to them for their life now, when I don't force them to be where they are. They have a choice, just like the rest of us. I grew up poor! I made the conscious decision to better my life, to work hard and work towards doing something to improve my life. Can they not do the same? I mean, we have affirmative action in place for a reason! They have more opportunities handed to them by our government, by my tax dollars than I will ever have! I pay taxes so they have the same or better opportunities to succeed than I do! Yet, I repress them, simply by being alive and white.

I've been faced with this same issue throughout my whole life. I know there is a lot of controversy over Mexicans coming into our country and people think that they are leaching off our system. And perhaps there are some that do, I'm not as knowledgeable about those issues as perhaps I should be. However, the experience I've had with the Hispanic culture, is that those who came from Mexico, came here to better themselves. I have to have respect for that. They work hard and do whatever they can to have a better life, and to provide for their families. But there are other cultures in our country who find it absolutely necessary to rub it in my face that my ancestors repressed them. I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do about the past. The best each of us can do is learn from it so that it isn't repeated. EACH person here, regardless of race, creed, sexual preference, etc., has every opportunity to make a difference in their own life, and the lives of the people around them. Why dwell on the past that you cannot change? Why tell someone else they're dumb because they didn't grow up the way you did? Why think it's necessary assume that because someone has a different color skin, that they don't know what its like to walk in your shoes?

I'm Irish/Scottish, amongst other things. My ancestors were equally repressed and mistreated by the same nation that repressed the Native Americans! I don't go around saying, "Oh my god, the Brittish are dumb assholes!" I don't expect that Brits should apologize to me for my ancestors' misfortunes and mistreatment! Why should I have to feel obligated to do the same for Native Americans or African Americans?

I realize this post may make me look racist however, I'm far from it. As I've said before, I know what its like to be treated differently because of the color of my skin. When I meet someone, I don't look at them and label them. I don't say to myself or anyone else, "Oh, they're x color so they must... (fill in the blank)." THAT would be racist. Rather, I see someone and try to get to know who they are, what they've experienced in life, what they want from life and where they see themselves going, as an individual. Do I not deserve the same treatment? Shouldn't all races/cultures be taught to be sensitive and blur the lines of skin color? Why should I accept someone treating me as a lower person than them, just because of my skin color?

My Gallery

2009-07-07T15:05:00.004-06:00

I finally did it! I made the plunge, and it was exciting and scary all at once. I've begun to create a web gallery. It's still under construction, but well under way! Keep an eye out for its completion. The site will not only be for viewing my artwork, but also for purchasing original pieces.

I'd like to talk about grief and mourning...

2009-04-14T15:14:00.007-06:00

Grief is a funny thing. One minute a person can be crying, the next angry as hell at anyone around them, even those they love dearly. That has been my emotional state this last week and a half, since the passing of my grandmother. It is very difficult to keep into perspective the importance or unimportance of certain details. I find it also difficult to be less angry with those who I feel have been inappropriate during this time. I try to remind myself daily that just because someone doesn't show it, doesn't mean they don't feel pain at the loss of a loved one. Grief seems to make even the most caring and unselfish of people focus almost solely on themselves.

Despite the negatives that I've experienced through all this, there are some positive things that have come out of it. I've learned where I stand with my family who I've been apart from most of my life, simply because we live on opposite sides of the country. Our family was able to come together to comfort and lift one another up. For once in my life, I no longer feel like an outsider in my own family.

Unfortunately, I also have a new outlook on where I stand in my father's eyes. It saddens me that I can feel so close to my family thousands of miles away, yet suddenly feel the distance grow between myself and a father who lives 50 miles away. Ten years of building a relationship with him has been beat up by this experience, and I fear it will take too long to heal these wounds. I will continue to pray for patience, peace and understanding, as it will be necessary to get me through.

Counting My Blessings

2009-04-02T08:51:00.005-07:00

The last two weeks have been a whirl wind of emotions for me. I haven't seen my family in Tennessee for several years, and was fortunate enough to be able to take a trip down to see them. I picked up my grandfather in New Jersey and he and I drove for 10 hours to get to Tennessee. It was one of the most enriching experiences. We talked for nearly the whole time. Getting to know my grandfather is something I've always wished for, and now that I'm an adult, I truly appreciate the time we've spent together. Not only did we get the 10 hours down, but the 10 hours back to New Jersey.

I was also fortunate enough to spend several hours with my grandmother, just listening to her tell me stories of her life, and her side of the family. I got to see pictures of her when she was young, hear of her days in Texas, how she met my grandfather, and some college stories. And don't tell my grandfather, but she also told me about racing cars in the 50's. *giggles*

In addition to these blessings, I spent my days in Tennessee with my two youngest cousins. One I've only met twice, who is and always was a very mature and wonderful young man. And the other I met for the first time - talk about personality!! I never knew a 4 year old could be that outlandish and creative! They're both very dear to me and I miss them more each day.

My aunt and uncles are the same as they were the last time I saw them. Some things will never change. I just have to say, my aunt is the sweetest and most caring person I know.

My brother drove up from North Carolina with his family. I didn't expect they'd be able to come since my newest nephew was less than 2 weeks old at the time. Seeing them made my heart soar and was quite possibly the best gift I've ever received.

I take that back, my whole trip was the best gift I have ever received. I consider myself to be extremely blessed to have been granted this time with my family and hope that I will be fortunate enough to return soon under the best of circumstances.

Mr. Jake Ob

2008-11-15T14:24:00.002-07:00

Mr. Jake Ob was the sweetest, most gentle, and loving dog I've ever met. He could never harm a fly, although he tried, he was usually too slow. A beast of a dog, when people met him they usually said, "He's not a dog, he's a horse!" The funny thing is, he never let anyone ride him! Shawn would joke that he was going to charge the neighborhood kids for rides on Jake's back... boy would they have been disappointed.

Jake had been steadily declining over the last several weeks. Finally unable to stand, we decided it was time to take him for one last car ride. He left us too young, he would have been 8 years old in December. My house is not the same without him. His bed is still in the living room where he camped out every day, but he's not there. There will be one less body snoring in our bedroom tonight. I'll miss him tilting his head and looking curiously at the television when the theme for 3rd Rock From the Sun comes on. I'll miss his happy face greeting me at the door when I come home from a long day at work.

Jakie, I know you're better where you are. I'll be dreaming of you playing ball, chewing on sticks that are too big for you, and hearing your tail whap the floor as you wag it. Mommy loves you buddy. You're sorely missed.

In loving memory of Jake Ob Abbott
December 30, 2000 - November 15, 2008

beaten, battered, and worn

2008-11-12T16:59:00.003-07:00

The dark, short days of fall and winter are here, and along with them come a certain expectation that I will be feeling a little blue. However, I seem to be hitting a point in time where most everything is going poorly. It seems the saying, "when it rains, it pours" certainly applies at the moment. Ha ha, I almost feel as if my life is a country song! Maybe I should play it in reverse... then I'll get my dog back, my car back, my woman back! (oh my!)

Seriously though, I'm feeling like the title of this post, "beaten, battered, and worn." How long must this go on? After brief reflection, I believe that part of how I'm feeling is my own doing. Maybe its time for a reality check, a come to Jesus with myself.

Coming Home

2008-07-12T16:29:00.004-06:00

Being here is like
coming home

The old memories
of days long past

Making new memories
with every moment

Falling in love
with innocent hearts

Hoping to reach
a few who are hurt

Finding a renewed flame
somewhere in mine

Realizing its almost over
when it feels like its just begun

Wanting to stay close
with new friends

But knowing that the hill
makes a world of difference

Making a Difference

2008-07-12T16:04:00.004-06:00

Recently I was fortunate enough to be able to go back to the summer camp I went to every year as a kid, only this time, I was a camp counselor. I found the experience to be sereal, because it has been soooooo many years since I've been up there, and because this time, I wasn't a camper. However different it may have been for me, it was still a very rewarding experience, in fact, maybe moreso than when I was a kid. I have to say, I fell in love with all those kids - even the ones who were "difficult." Other counselers found it overwhelming to interact with some of them, well, mainly two or three of the boys, and I feel like they simply gave up on them. It broke my heart to see that the innocence of these children had been taken away from them, and now we were given an opportunity to help them to just be kids! even in the face of that, some of the adults were unable to set aside their personal feelings, and just show these boys some genuine affection. Kids don't act out because they just feel like being brats! They act out because they're searching for attention, right?

Well, I guess all that matters is I felt like I made a difference for at least a couple of these kids. Hopefully it will stay with them and help them to realize that there's more in life than just what you have to deal with at home. Hopefully they will be able to keep their spirits up in times of struggle. You never know, maybe their renewed attitude will help things between them and the "parental units."

9th Anniversary

2008-06-19T22:41:00.002-06:00

So, my fiance and I have officially been together for 9 years! WOW!!! In some respects, it feels like there's no way that much time has gone by. In other respects, it feels like 9 years is exactly as long as its been. And I don't mean it in a bad way - I mean it in the nicest way possible. We've both grown so much in that time. I can't imagine my life without him. I know it sounds cliche, but its true.

Funny Farm

2008-03-12T19:45:00.003-07:00

"They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away! To the funny farm!"

College

2007-10-27T12:36:00.000-06:00

Its been over eight years since I graduated from high school. Since then, I've worked - a lot - and had sworn to myself that I was only going to take a year or two off from school. Well, a year or two turned into eight. But now, I've decided to finally take that leap. I started college this fall. I haven't felt this excited and scared since the day before my first day of high school (except maybe when I moved to Cali for a short time a couple years ago).

I'm loving being in school. I signed up for two classes, Psychology and Drawing. Being an artist, naturally I thought that I would enjoy Drawing more than Psychology - I was affraid I wasn't ready for a class like Psych. Ironically, I've found that I enjoy Psych more than Drawing! My Drawing instructer has done nothing but rub me the wrong way since the first day. She'll draw right on your project to show you how she thinks it should look instead of using a separate sheet of paper, and she's wishy washy - constantly changing her mind. In the world of art you come to expect eccentricity, but she's down right obnoxious. I come home from her class feeling drained instead of excited about my projects. The atmosphere is very repressive. She won't even allow us to really talk to each other. The best class period we had was with the substitute. We were all talking, laughing, joking around with eachother! I came home from class actually smiling and telling my fiance how wonderful class was!

When I began school, I thought I knew what I wanted to be when I "grew up". Now, I'm considering going in a completely different direction! It's amazing how quickly even a firmly placed decision can be changed, just by one or two small experiences.

autumn

2007-10-07T12:00:00.000-06:00

autumn wind
bringing winter's inevitable fury
arboral wrath
enraged dancing
red, orange, yellow, brown
complaining of the approaching
funnels of dead twirl
changes on the horizon
delight
fear
pumpkins crafted
glowing eyes and smirks
stories of spirits lingering
sweets, pie, turkey
closely stalking

serenity

2007-08-06T21:28:00.000-06:00

GOD, grant me the SERENITY
To ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change
The COURAGE to change the things that I CAN
And the WISDOM to know the DIFFERENCE!

I don't know how many things I've needlessly stressed about in my life. Most of which, I could not change, and had one hell of a time accepting that. I'm constantly reminded how important it is to be able to realize what is within your power and what is not. It usually doesn't occur to me right away, but I get there sooner or later. The only thing I can absolutely change is my behavior, my thinking, my philosophies, and over all, my attitude. Everything else isn't really up to me. I can express my opinions to others, listen to other's opinions, but who am I to think that I can change anyone else?

I've been very selfish lately. I've been complaining about something that really isn't about me. Yes, it affects me, but can I change it? Nope. I guess I'll just have to be the bigger person and lead by example, change my behavior. The rest is up to them.

Gardening

2007-07-20T21:10:00.001-06:00

I was IM-ing with my grandpa tonight. We don't talk much, but when we do it's usually about gardening. He used to have a huge garden at his home in New Jersey. I remember going to visit one summer when I was really young. My brother and I would go out to the garden and eat raspberries of each kind right off the bush. We would pick raspberries, blueberries, and grapes and bring them in to our grandma asking her to make something with them. I don't remember that she actually did, but it didn't matter to us. We just had so much fun playing in the garden.

I think having both my grandfathers with gardens kind of inspired me to plant my own. I've always loved plants, and now that we own a house, and have for several years, it was time to try my hand at gardening. So far my fiance and I have done a wonderful job. Our pumkins are raging, so are the zucchini. We have corn, peppers, (red and green bell as well as hot peppers of all sorts) carrots, onions, and cucumbers. Everything we have is growing so much better than I could have dreamed. (We'd tried a small garden our first summer together but we were very young and not as dedicated as we needed to be to make it work.)

It's such an amazing feeling to know that we've planted something from seed, nurtured, and loved it and it's actually growing. If anyone ever needs to find a sense of accomplishment, grow something (and I don't mean grow mold on leftovers in your refrigerator). There's such satisfaction, sense of accomplishment, and healing for the soul to be found.

Online Charter School in Colorado

2007-06-28T09:29:00.000-06:00

I've had the pleasure of recently being employed with an online charter school called Colorado Distance and Electronic Learning Academy (CDELA). The teachers are wonderful people, and the whole premise of the school is such a fantastic way for parents who want an alternative to a brick and mortar public school. Students login to the website for a set number of hours from home. There are regular live web classes each week. Books, computer, fax/printer/scanner, and internet connection reimbursement are all provided - at no cost to the parents. And the best part is there is no tuition! Students must be Colorado residents to apply. I wish there were schools like this when I was a kid!

The school needs help though. They've only been open for one school year and as any beginning business/program it takes time to build. If you know anyone who would be interested in this type of learning opportunity, please send them this link. There are meet and greets going on all over the state of Colorado where parents and kids can meet the teachers and other parents who's children are enrolled with CDELA. It's a great opportunity to ask questions up close and personal. For information on the school or the meet and greet schedule go to www.cdela.com or call 866.442.3352.

I don't want this post to sound like an advertisement for the school, but I can't help but promote something I believe in, so there you have it.

i've learned

2007-05-18T19:31:00.000-06:00

these are some things i've learned over the last eight years or so. i hope you can relate.

i've learned

i've learned

that you can respect someone without loving them,

and you can love someone without respecting them

i've learned

the meaning of the phrase, soul mate

i've learned

blood isn't necessarily thicker than water
i've learned

that just because someone goes to church,
it doesn't make them a christian

i've learned

that i don't have to go to church to be a good person

or to love God

i've learned

that you should never take someone for granted,

they could turn around and surprise you

i've learned

to trust that when one door is closed,
a more amazing door will be opened

i've learned

my gut knows more than my head

i've learned

age doesn't matter,
it's one's maturaty that counts

i've learned

how to forgive, but not forget

i've learned

everyone is worth forgiving,
over and over again
i’ve learned
my parents don’t know everything,
but they sometimes know more than me
i’ve learned
love is totally different than lust
i’ve learned
divorce doesn’t always mean you’ve fallen out of love
i've learned

you can fall in love without knowing someone long

but it takes a long time to forget that love

i've learned

it's not that important to receive flowers

it's more important that the dishes are clean

and the bills are paid

i've learned

you're not an adult just because you turned 18

job hunting

2007-05-18T16:07:00.000-06:00

I'm looking for a job these days. That's been a lot of fun... well, not really. This whole job search thing makes me feel so helpless. I'm at the mercy of HR managers and recruiters. It sucks not being in control of what I'm doing. The waiting games totally sucks, and whenever I call to follow up with the companies I've applied to (or my staffing company) they act like its a huge inconvenience that I'm calling. On the other hand, if I didn't call, they'd think I wasn't that interested. Double edged sword, I guess.

My severence pay is running out and I still don't know whether I'm going to be approved for unemployment through the state. It's getting a little stressful for me. I know it will all work out somehow, and I'm better off not working where I was - that job was incredibly rediculous.

Anyway, if you know anyone looking for a good Administrative Assistant, or someone who's an expert at window coverings, flooring, paint, or gardening, let me know.

Someone asked me recently what my dream job would be... I think my dream job would be in a place filled with creativity, where I can express my creativity as well as be influenced by other creative people; where I can be an organizational freak, enjoy the people I work with, and feel like I'm making a difference. Is that too much to ask?

shopping malls

2007-03-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

I spent a good deal of time recently at the closest mall to me. I have to say, I don't see why anyone would want to. Everything is over-priced, there are a ton of teenagers who just block the aisles and have no consideration for people who are actually shopping.

I can't remember really ever liking to shop for clothes, but as I'm the heaviest now that I've ever been in my life, I have to say my dislike is slowly turning into despise. Finding clothes that should fit (and the tag always reads a size I'd never thought I'd have to try on) and then changing in a dirty, sometimes creepy dressing room is not my idea of a good time. I certainly do not want to see myself naked (or mostly naked anyway) but I'm also always afraid the attendant is going to forget they put me in that room and open it up while I'm topless or in my underpants for the whole world to see my humiliation.

I wish our society was less concerned about image and judging what others look like and focus on things that really matter. Really, it seems to be human nature to pass judgement and worry about things like class, style, and the general attractiveness of others compared to themselves.

I'm not a materialistic person, but I seem to find myself feeling like I should be ashamed of wearing a generic t-shirt instead of a designer one when I'm around the general public. It's rediculous! I hate that I find myself conforming my thoughts to how I see others react to someone who is extremely over weight, or who has tattered clothes. I find myself thinking that they should be ashamed of themselves. But that's not who I am. I am a caring, compassionate person. It makes me dislike myself when I have those thoughts... doesn't anyone else feel that way about themselves when they pass judgement that way?

Baby Debate

2007-03-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

My fiance and I have been together (not just seeing eachother, but living together) for over 7 years. Most of our relationship I've been inclined as not to have children, and he - well, he seems to have been on the same page. Naturally, as I'm officially in my mid-twenties, creeping closer to late-twenties, my body seems to tell me that it's time for children. Fortunately, again, he seems to be on the same page.

We discussed this issue in great detail the other night and I acknowledge that I am increasingly finding it harder to defy biology. I always wondered if men have biological clocks too, and I'm starting to believe they do. We've decided that we want to have kids! What a huge decision that is - but at the same time, I feel good that I have come to like the idea. I've been scarred for much too long and am relieved that the walls are coming down.

Now, if you know us, or are an observant reader, you know that we are not yet married. I feel very mixed about this whole marriage before children question. Although we are truly committed and feel we are married, we don't have that piece of paper. My body says it doesn't matter, my religious upbringing - not to mention our culture - have told me otherwise. I must say, it's hard to tell your body what urges it should or should not have. When a woman's body says its time to have babies, its almost like demon posession... and those of you women who have been at this stage know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not about wanting sex, it's about making babies!

I know it's natural. I know that its not demon posession. I'm actually really excited about the prospect for the first time in a very long time.

Too cold for even Polar Bears

2007-02-03T01:33:00.000-07:00

You know, there's nothing like a cozy snow day at home. I love cuddling up on the couch with a good book and my fiance, drinking tea or hot chocolate in comfy pj's. But honestly, I'm seriously tired of snowy, cloudy, short, and below freezing days!!!

I know those who haven't lived here just think that we get snow and cold all the time and that we should be used to it - well, THEY'RE WRONG! We're NOT used to it because yes, we usually have several days of snowfall here, but it only stays around on the ground for a couple of days at most. We're going on something like seven weeks of snow every weekend, and the temperature below 40 degrees! If I wanted to live in this crap, I'd live in Chicago for Pete's sake!!!

If we end up with any more snow, I'm packing my car and moving to California.

The Big 5-0

2006-12-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, my dad just turned 50. My step mom decided to throw him a surprise birthday party for him this last Sunday. To assist in getting him out of the house for her I took him out for brunch at Popeye's Chicken. We had a wonderful time talking as we always do. My dad is usually more lively than he was that morning so I asked him how he felt about turning fifty. He said he's honestly not happy about it. Now, most people seem to freak out on "big" birthdays like 30, 40, and 50, but I hadn't known my dad to be that type of person. He began to explain why.
As long as I can remember, he's had all kinds of in depth thoughts or philosophies about this or that. And, though I don't view myself as shallow or a small thinker, I'm always impressed by how deep he delves into a subject. It could be something as simple as why you should or should not use x brand deodorant to as complex as any number of subjects involving religion.

He began to tell me of when he was a teenager in the 70's and there was an author who was well regarded in the Christian community and considered the authority on the book of Revelations. The author, whose name I've already forgotten, in essence, claimed that the world was going to end sometime between 1981 and 1988. This next part surprised me a little. Having had several conversations with my dad considering theology, I've learned that he doesn't take matters - especially of the spiritual nature - at face value. He's always seemed to me to have done his research quite thoroughly, so I can only assume that this author had magnificant biblical evidence to support his theories. When Dad told me that he hadn't planned to live past the age of 34, I gave a little nervous chuckle because I had no idea what he meant. He went on to explain that he truly believed that - being a Christian - he wouldn't be on the planet past 1988 so he'd based his life on that assumption. He hasn't put away money for retirement, he didn't take the time to invest money into stocks or real estate. I could see the pain and disappointment in my dad's eyes. He was so sad. It was as if he didn't believe in himself or his ideas anymore. I hated to see him that way. He advised me not to make the same mistakes he's made in his life.
I think he feels like he hasn't done anything with his life, but he's wrong. He's made such a huge impact on everyone he knows. Even my mother, though I doubt she would admit that she gained anything good from him besides me and my brother. She'd be wrong.

Just because someone doesn't have a lot of money, or a financially thriving business, a big house, fancy car, or high tech electronics, doesn't mean they haven't done anything with their life. I know my dad knows this. Maybe his worst fear is that he'll never be able to retire.

The Beatles

2006-12-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

The Beatles were truely a great band. Their versitily in their music is magnificent. Take The White Album for instance. You have rocking songs like Birthday, then you have such sweet love songs as Julia, then a lullaby at the end. Not to mention the crazy songs like Revolution (not even sure if that one can be classified as a song) and Wild Honey Pie. Their sound is so unique because they could do whatever they tried - and do it well. I also want to mention that Rocky Racoon kicks ass!

Too many bands sound the same from song to song - its tiring and sometimes numbing. Its good to have your own style, but if you can't tell whether the track has changed, how is that creative? I find it impossible to listen to the constant droning for an hour. We need more bands who step outside their comfort zone. Whether is sounds good or not the first time you hear it - at least they're expanding their horizons, and maybe yours...

Office Politics

2006-12-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

So, I've only spent a short time of my working life in an office environment. Most of it has been recently and I just don't get office politics. I can't seem to grasp the concepts that are being thrown at me. There are people that I've worked with in this environment who do nothing but plot and scheme to accomplish whatever goal they seek to acheive. Be it to move up in the company, to get revenge because someone pissed them off, or whatever. I don't get it!!! Why should anyone have a master plan that involves spiting or hurting someone else in any way just to make their own situation better?

I thought that we were paid to do our jobs, do them well, be dedicated employees, and overall - contribute to the company as a whole. Does this thinking make me naive? Do I have to start thinking that I have to step on people, take their ideas as my own, and talk about them behind their back - not even to get ahead, just to do my job every day?

What happened to employee/employer mutual loyalty in the corporate world? What happened to being recognized for doing your job, doing it well, and efficiently? What happened to honesty as being part of personal work ethic?

I'll tell you what happened... people are greedy and selfish. All they think about is the bottom line. How does it look today? How much more money can I put in my pocket by raping my employees of their compensation and benefits? Business men today don't understand that if you take care of your people, they'll take care of you. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

I had an HR manager once who didn't understand this concept. They thought that each and every employee was expendable. No one mattered to the company - they were just bodies. When one leaves, let's bring in the next. There was no extra thought given to wanting to keep someone who'd worked for the company for 20 years and is now leaving. It doesn't matter if they know everything about everything in their field. They can be replaced. With that thinking, why don't we just employ a computer to do everyone's job? Just program the computer to know everything and we're golden, right? People don't matter. I have a warning for that HR manager - if everyone else is replaceable, so are you!

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of feeling like I have to prove myself to someone who doesn't and never will care about how greatly I contribute to my job.

Katie Bug

2006-12-01T23:48:00.000-07:00

My little kitty Katie Bug
I want to give you a hug
But then you'll scream and shout
Which makes me want to pout
Oh, my pretty kitty Katie Bug

A Sad Story - parental discresion is advised

2006-12-01T22:28:00.000-07:00

There's a girl named Samantha - we'll call her Sam. She grew up with a disfunctional family, like most of us. Her father played the part of an upstanding American citizen. He went to work, paid his taxes, provided for his family, even went to church on Sundays. He would watch the evening news and say how horrible these people were who were abusing children, killing eachother, and stealing cars.

All along, he was abusing two of his own children. The lengths he would go to torture his two young girls is unspeakable - unthinkable. He wasn't just some ordinary drunk who would get angry because someone left a cabinet door open and beat them for it. Oh no, he was much worse than that. His sick and twisted mind thought that he was somehow different than the other child molestors. It was different because he'd been molested when he was a child - so it makes it ok for him to do the same.

In spite of her childhood, just a few years ago, Sam also appeared to be a well adjusted American citizen. She had a wonderful marriage to a man named Jack, she worked hard every day. All her friends thought she was so strong and wise. She knew how to have a good time, laugh, and really mean it. Until one dreadful day. A day that changed the lives of everyone close to her.

Early in their relationship Jack had agreed not to look at pictures sexual in nature - he even agreed not to watch movies that had sexual behavior. He knew that she had been mistreated when she was young - just not to what extent.

This particular day had been like any other. She went to work, helped her customers, and went home for her lunch break. Sam found her husband Jack at the computer, looking at pictures she did not approve of. (I want to stress that he wasn't doing anything illegal.) She was shocked and broken with betrayal and disappointment.

Day and night she obsessed over how he'd hurt her. How he'd lied and hid what he was doing. Sam screamed outside, in the middle of the night, "My husband looks at porn!" while running aroung naked. She no longer appeared to have anything under control. Fits of rage began to take over their lives. Days upon days of no sleep turned into sleeping for days at a time. Sam drank to feel better, or numb, only to end up feeling angrier. She didn't eat, she couldn't stop crying. Sam quit her job and sat at home in the dark - alone. She even took a rope to the shed and hung it from the rafters. Sitting in the shed, nearby she could hear the laughter of neighborhood children. She left the shed and called Jack at work.

Since then, they sold their first house, bought another home in the mountains. Tried to leave behind all the bad feelings and memories. Of course, you can't run away from terrors that haunt your mind. When hiding in their lake house proved to be a futile attempt at escape, Sam left Jack and moved in with another man.

Today, well, today is nearly as bad as the day this began not three years ago. Jack has tried his hardest to work things out with his wife - he even thought they might reconcile just a short time ago. Things are past the point of no return for them. They will be divorced soon. He met another woman. In an attempt to do right by Sam, he was sure to be honest with her about this new person. Sam isn't taking it well. After she called Jack and threatened to end her own life, he called the police. They were the only ones who would be able to get to her the fast enough. The police told us they were taking her to the hospital to be assessed by the Psych ward. I only hope that she's honest with them. She's become so good at lying that she could easily talk her way out of being there. Its truly sad, what she needs most is professional help, and that's the one thing she refuses to get.

If you know someone who talks about suicide, please take it seriously. They're talking about it because they're reaching out. If they didn't want to be helped, they wouldn't be talking.